BY Bob Erlenback
It has been more than 30 years since the release of the movie “Soapdish,” starring Sally Fields, Kevin Kline, Whoopi Goldberg, Elisabeth Shue, Robert Downey Jr., and a brilliant supporting cast. What was considered a flop at the time has only grown in popularity throughout the years, mostly because it has some of the best film quotes around. This lampoon of daytime soap operas was both of its time, and ahead of its time. Now that you’ve listened to our Best “Drop Dead Gorgeous” Quote episode in our podcast feed, behold this Top 10 list of the Best “Soapdish” Quotes, which come in handy in many of life’s situations!
10. When you need to get rid of someone.
Lori: I’m Lori Craven, and I’m an actress.
Betsy: An actress, really? How nice for you. I’m Betsy Faye Sharon, and I’m a bitch! Now get out of here.
9. When you don’t want to mince words.
David: She’s got a lot of spirit.
Lori: She’s a deranged bitch!
8. When you’re trying to argue your point.
Montana Moorehead: Alright, look, I have a public, OK. They write me letters. ‘More Montana,’ they write. Look at these! ‘Celeste Talbert is a menopausal hag. Let’s see more of Montana Moorehead’… Maria Randozzi, Fort Lee, New Jersey. Fort Lee! That’s your audience, OK. That’s the heartland.
7. When you want to be subtle.
Jeffrey: You have beautiful eyes.
Ariel: Ooh, they’re nothing compared to my tits!
6. When you feel the need to state the obvious.
Ariel: Bolt! I didn’t realize you’d be here.
Bolt: Well, I am.
5. When you need an excuse to get out of your work.
Rose: What are you talking about? The man was decapitated! I looked it up! He was on his way to the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who’s an ex-con named Frances, WHEN, a tractor trailer came along and decapitated him. You know what that means? It means he doesn’t have a head. How am I supposed to write for a guy who doesn’t have a head? He’s got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
4. When expressing your unconditional love as a parent.
Celeste: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you? Credit for being someone who tried to love you the only way she knew how.
Lori: I know that speech.
Celeste: You do?
Lori: Yeah, it was the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt’s blind nephew.
3. When you need to give constructive criticism
Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show’s spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it’s been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That’s depressing and it’s expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word “peppy” and the word “cheap”. Peppy and cheap.
2. When you realize you’re no longer a spring chicken.
Celeste: David! David! David, David, David, David, David! I realize I’m not a young woman; however, could you please point out to our new costume designer whose name I don’t quite have yet that I don’t feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don’t you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!
1. And just because…
Jeffrey: Kopf Geschlagen