RECAP: ‘Great British Baking Show’ Season 17, Episode 2
Put the kettle on, bitches - it’s Biscuit Week!
First off: Shannon is back! Absolutely zero explanation was given as to why she walked out last week or how she miraculously returned, but hey, we don't ask questions in the tent. We just roll with it.
Let's break down all the crunching, crumbling, and chaos.
Read on for my take on Episode 2 of “Great British Bake-Off” (AKA “Great British Baking Show” for us American swine) Season 17. SPOILERS AHEAD!
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The Signature: Pucks, Turds & Grandma Flavors
For the Signature, the judges demanded 30 identical American-style cookies: crisp edge, chewy center.
Naturally, the British bakers were flabbergasted at having to bake 30 cookies. As an American, 30 is a light snack. Obviously, that’s one thing we’re doing better over here in the States. That list is currently VERY short.
Shall we see how they handled it?
Shannon: Went with "Nan’s Wimbledon Strawberry and Creme centre court dreams." The dough was quite wet (per Nigella… I love how she said wet), and Shannon announced she wanted them to be "texturey in your mouth."
Wet.
Tom: His accent sounded like he was baking "Nordic Crunge Cookies," which sounds quite a bit less exciting than Crunch Cookies. Almond, peanut, milk chocolate: crunch and goo.
Connie: Chocolate pecan with banana caramel. Warning: She used artificial banana flavoring. Artificial banana is never a good idea, ever. It instantly reminds me of that numbing spray they used when I had my vocal chords imaged. Disgusting.
Danni: Snicker Snickerdoodles (doodles)! Fun tidbit from Danni: the recipe isn't vegan, meaning she hasn't actually tasted her own bake. Probably for the best, really. One fewer victim.
Mo: More mealy-mouthed nonsense. He made a chewy mango, coconut, and lemon meringue cookie, and then claimed cookies were "an old people thing." I loathe him.
Gary: Chocolate chip cookies with dried sour cherries, inspired by... a dead goat. I don’t think I could have made that up if I tried.
Clara: Tiramisu cookies for her fiancé, with a cute topper of espresso powder that says Just Married. A sweet story for a sweet bake.
Molly: Her voiceover while playing video games saying "Yeah, take that!" was so hilariously out of place. She’s making white chocolate and hazelnut cookies that she claims to make all the time. NO EXCUSES, Molly.
Yannis: Another nan recipe. Hm, maybe Mo wasn’t wrong… Chai spiced, date, and pistachio cookies with rose petals. You can just taste the grandma.
Moyin: Miso caramel and espresso - an interesting mixture. These cookies are going straight to Jesus, like his golf ball.
Nikki: An Australian cherry chocolate cookie with coconut and hazelnut. That’s a lot of flavors to pack into a single cookie. Her partner was handsome, though.
Gabe: A whole ass chunk of cherries in the middle of his Bakewell-inspired cookie, baked on a pizza stone. A really smart idea.
As with her first batch, Connie’s cookies were far too filled with butter, causing them to become flattened pools of dough. GET THE SCRAPER! Clara and Shannon pitched in to help Connie peel her “cookies” off the pan. Meanwhile, Danni decided baby-talk was the best way to make a good impression on international television.
The Signature Verdict:
Good: Clara (the stencil was not as successful, but the cookie was wonderful... minus the overwhelming frosting), Gabe’s Bakewell, and Tom’s Crunge.
Bad: Yannis’ rose-flavored grandma, Gary’s tough turd pucks, Nikki’s rocky road, and Shannon’s underbaked strawberry cookies.
Somewhere in between: Mo’s too-chewy mango (highlight of this section was Nigella, through gummed-together teeth, saying, "I don’t think I needed the mango,") Moyin, and Molly’s not-naughty-enough cookies.
Ugly: Connie’s second batch was more successful, but still a failure. Unsurprisingly, Danni’s terrible cookies (that she didn't even taste) fall to the bottom. I’m beginning to wonder how she even got cast here.
The Technical: A Consistent Cookie Taste Test
The iced gem challenge: orange shortbread biscuits with a rainbow-colored star of icing. Like last week, no recipe. This will be a taste and bake challenge: three cookies to taste, and 24 to bake. A cruel challenge, according to Paul. He does strike me as a bit of a sadist.
The bakers took varying approaches to their shortbreads, though most followed the 3-2-1 approach to the cookie base: 3 parts flour, 2 parts fat, 1 part sugar.
Danni claims she’s been baking her entire life, and her mum is where she learned everything she knows. I think we should call her mother to confirm, and perhaps send police for a wellness check.
While most bakers were successful with the shortbread portion, the royal icing was a stumbling block for many, especially the rainbow coloring. Gary’s, specifically, looked like a pop-art nightmare. Unfortunately, Clara ran out of time and was unable to bake her icing like everyone else.
The Technical Rankings:
At the bottom and in the danger zone:
12th Place: Gary
11th Place: Danni (far too excited to be this low; she reminds me of someone you might meet at a Comic Con)
10th Place: Clara
And at the top:
Gabe (3rd)
Cookies-are-for-old-people Mo (2nd)
And the technical winner of the week, pulling herself up after a buttery mess of a Signature: Connie!
The Showstopper: Four Hours of Biscuit Mosaic
The bakers must build a mosaic of biscuits: smaller cookies in a pattern, glued together on a larger biscuit backing. Bakers’ choice for flavorings and design.
Their plans:
Danni: LoveLetter.txt.vsb. She’s giving the judges a virus (supposedly a computer virus, though after last week’s trip to the swamp, I’m not totally convinced). Inspired by cyanide (almond). As Paul said, "...right."
Gary: Shooting for Safe (daring, aren’t we?) A beautiful plan for a clock, though perhaps a bit plain.
Clara: Shortbread lemon tree vista. Doesn’t look all that impressive from the image.
Nikki: Gingerbread, lemon, and lavender shortbread. Mmmm, soapy old lady.
Tom: A Burn Book! Tom’s my new best friend. He’s baking raspberry biscuits, making it a bit challenging to know when they’re done.
Yannis: A beautiful windmill vista from my ancestral homeland of Norwich! Also casually dropped that he delivered a baby on a plane.
Moyin: Only two colors. Far too simple. Vanilla shortbread. Yawn.
Connie: Flag of Jamaica as a tribute after a recent hurricane, celebrating the island with tropical flavors. I’m rooting for you, Connie!
Molly: Paying homage to the Disability pride flag. Looks simple, but nice.
Shannon: More strawberries? Why not! A cute garden scene with doggie footprints. I hope it turns out well. She literally threw that ass in a circle.
Gabe: Also doing a garden, but a bit more of an artistic interpretation of it.
Mo: Oh, you again. He’s doing a toucan. He had a lot of birds growing up. Maybe they were the ones who taught him how to talk. "It died once, I think."
Everything was going swimmingly, until we heard Noel say, "But there’s a problem with Danni’s." Here’s my shocked face:
As we neared the end, many bakers were rushing against the clock. I’m especially gutted for Tom, who just ran out of time at the very end.
The Showstopper Judging:
Shannon: Her garden is exceptional and gets a round of applause from Paul. But sadly no moisturized handshake for her.
Clara: Lemon tree was tasty, but overall unremarkable.
Nikki: Her literal-grouted-tile is very hard to cut through, but also somehow too soft. The lavender is very artificial. Grandma strikes again.
Mo: Toucan looks lovely and the top biscuits are delicious, while the base is awful.
Danni: Essence of cyanide bake isn’t as bad as I expected, but still not a win. Very tough cookies.
Gary: Tasted as much a snooze as it looked. Sad, as I felt this had potential.
Moyin: His black and yellow scene doesn’t look like a showstopper to me.
Yannis: Really went all in with so many different flavors, but unfortunately everything had the texture of fudge and nothing tasted of what it was meant to.
Molly: Her flag comes out beautifully and really impresses the judges with the bitterness of her chocolate flavors.
Gabe: The brambly garden is tasty except for the artificial apple flavoring.
Tom: His "did you drop it?" Burn Book unfortunately ran out of time. Flavor, texture, and bake are all amazing, but it sadly looks a mess.
Connie: Her flag and heartbreaking story brings herself to tears. She got a lovely message of support from Nigella, and both judges love it!
The Final Verdict
In a total shocking twist, the star baker of the week ends up being Tom!
And in a totally not at all shocking non-twist, Danni is our first baker sent home this cycle. The bakers do seem to love her, which is very sweet, and she leaves the tent having made 11 new friends. She’s clearly an endearing, lovable weirdo, and the tent will be a little less sparkly without her.
Who will succumb to the pressure of the tent next week? Catch us Saturday morning for our next recap!
What do YOU think of “GBBO” Season 17? Drop your comments below!
